Grief is the cluster of emotions typically assigned to our experiences in the aftermath of death.  While this is the most extreme form of this experience, grief is also the emotions we feel when we experience any loss.

Grief clusters around shock, disbelief, sadness, fear, guilt, angst, anger, confusion, and numbness. We can also physically experience grief as fatigue, aches and pains, sleeplessness, weight changes, or headaches.

The months since March 2020 have been a time of loss for so many of us, and none of it has been one size fits all. Some of us have lost dear loved ones to the virus. And before moving forward with this, the death of loved ones deserves a moment to offer deepest condolences. A pause ….

Loss also has come in the form of loss of income, loss of job, loss of health, loss of opportunities and dreams (internships, graduations, orientations, and so much more), and even simply the loss of how things used to be. Even if you have had an opportunity arise, there can also still be loss. 

Why take time to talk about grief? We talk about grief to offer acknowledgement, validation, connection, and the sharing of a communal sense of loss that permeates many parts of our lives during the pandemic.

We also take time to share that holding a “lens of grief” can allow us patience and grace during a time when patience and grace are two things we can offer ourselves, those we interact with, and those we serve — a way to say “I see you, I am it with you, and I am holding empathy for you.” 

Patience and grace stem from understanding. So, understand that grief is a mix of emotions that follows a non-linear, non-rational, and usually upsetting path. A lens of grief allows us to understand why we might be acting and feeling the way we do and/or why someone else might act and feel the way they do. Grief allows us to see how a person could be in a happy mood today, but in a sad mood the next. Grief allows us to see why our colleague, who used to smile and say “good morning,” now seems distant. Grief is a lens we through which we can understand how we and those we interact with have emotions and behaviors that can be all over the place,  and why we are not always our usual selves.

With this understanding, what can we do about this widely-experienced, ongoing, and variable experience of individual and communal grief?

Label grief for what it is. It’s grief.  If you are reading this, you are likely working and/or going to school at the University of Iowa. Most high-achieving people think that when things feel wrong with us, it is because of something we are not doing right or well enough. Grief does not care how high achieving you are. Grief is is a mix of emotions that do not improve by being ignored or controlled. Acknowledging grief as the reason you or someone else may be feeling a certain way can more effectively open the door to the patience and grace needed for healing.

Express your feelings. If one more person tells me “to talk about it,” I’ll scream. But talking works. Talking about our feelings helps us understand we are not alone. Talking about our feelings can draw empathy and understanding from others, and allows what often solely lives in our head and heart to find discharge through outward expression. If you are not keen on sharing, ask someone else instead about how they are feeling and then share with them once they have finished. If you still do not want to talk with others, you can write down your thoughts and feelings. You can process your grief by making a scrapbook, painting, writing poetry, playing a game of basketball, walking in nature, calling a friend, giving money to a cause, or checking in to offer patience and grace to others.

Keep your daily routine as much as possible. There can be comfort in routine. Your routine also might help you find joy and feel connected to others. Staying anchored in familiar things can help steady the your emotions.

There is no wrong way to do this. Your grief is yours and comes from your unique experience.  No one gets to tell you when it’s time to “move on” or “get over it.” Feel whatever it is you feel without judgment. It’s OK to be angry, to yell, to cry or not cry. It’s also OK to laugh, to find moments of joy, and move forward when you are ready. You get to be in charge of you.

Sometimes grief can get the better of us, too. And if that is the case, many resources on the UI campus are available to you. Much of this is gathered on the website https://MentalHealth.uiowa.edu, and in particular at https://mentalhealth.uiowa.edu/recovery.