This past year, I had this conversation with a professor:
Professor: I have a student in my office crying. I think he needs to speak to someone at the counseling center immediately.
Barry: What happened?
Professor: He found out his dog was run over by a car.
Barry: I am so sorry, truly. I am not sure, however, that the student needs to come to the counseling center.
Professor: What do you mean? He is very upset.
Barry: That makes sense because something very upsetting happened, but this does not mean he needs professional intervention. His emotionality, while feeling awful, does not mean anything is wrong with him. He is just responding to something that is clearly upsetting.
Professor: But what should I do?
Barry: Do you have a relationship with your student?
Professor: Yes, we have worked together for over a year.
Barry: Being upset does not mean crisis even when we are reasonably and uncomfortably upset. We usually just need to talk to someone we know.
Professor: I see. This makes sense when you say it that way. He is upset but is not falling apart. What do I say?
Barry: I have some suggestions.
When we experience a colleague, student, friend, ourselves, or anyone else who is “upset,” we can jump quickly to "this person needs help.” When someone experiences upset emotions, it is important to differentiate along the continuum between stress and crisis:
Stress: Upset feelings in response to challenges that require your attention and need your efforts, i.e. “I am feeling really stressed out because I have a big project due tomorrow.”
Emotion: Upset feelings in response to a situation that is occurring, i.e. “I am really upset and sad because I just found out I got bad grades this semester.”
Distress: Upset feelings long after the original situation has ended, i.e. “I got bad reviews at work. I never do well. It’s not worth trying anymore. What’s the point? I mess everything up. I have been so angry and disappointed with myself these past few weeks.”
Crisis: Upset feelings regardless of the situation that result in possible or actual threat to self or another, i.e. “I give up. I see no purpose or point. I don’t care anymore. This is the end.”
Popular press and social media tells us too often that we are more depressed than we have ever been and/or more anxious than we have ever been. These are both diagnostic terms that do not always accurately represent how we are feeling. If we are paying any attention to the world in the last two+ years, it is easy to feel stressed and emotional in response to those things that are simply upsetting. When we are told too many times that we are depressed or anxious, we can be left wondering “what is wrong with me.” And, when we have minoritized identities, it can be even easier to feel upset as we navigate oppression, discrimination, and sometimes even threats because of who we are.
So, a few tips for managing as we begin the fall semester together:
Use the Gauge
When experiencing your own upset or the upset of someone else, gauge where you think it is along the continuum. Use encouragement that there may not actually be anything wrong with you or the other person, there may simply be “upset about things that are upsetting” or “stress about things that are stressful.”
Talk to Someone You Know
Most day-to-day upsets do not need professional intervention. Upset does not mean crisis. If you or someone else is upset, reach out first to most readily available and trusted supports. If you use the gauge and decide you or the other person are having stress and/or emotion, this is reasonable. Nothing is necessarily wrong with you or the other person. Sharing upset and stress with others helps them help you and we may find out we are not alone when we are struggling.
How Bad is This?
If you have ever spent time with young children, you have probably noticed that when they inevitably fall down, one of the first things they do is look at the closest older person in a split-second decision-making moment, searching the face of the older person for signs of “how badly I hurt am I as a result of this fall?” Our reaction can make it worse or can make it better. When someone is upset around you:
- Lean in and ask them about what is happening.
- Ask them how they feel and share your own experiences with such things.
- Normalize that stress and emotion are reasonable, albeit unpleasant, responses to the ebbs and flows and tensions of daily life. It is one thing to be upset, but it is even worse to be upset about being upset. Normalize, rather than panic, first.
Resources, Resources, Resources
Sometimes we do find ourselves or others in distress and/or crisis. When this happens, the University of Iowa has many resources that can help. A readily accessible source of campus mental health and well-being resources is on the Mental Health at Iowa website. While the overall theme of this article is to avoid unnecessarily turning “simmer to boil” by how we frame it, sometimes we do boil. And like we would when we are not feeling well physically, we should reach out for help when you or someone else is not feeling well mentally.
Physician and founder of stress theory, Hans Selye, stated, “It is not stress that kills us, it is our reaction to it.” Let us recognize our upset, understand what may be happening for us and others, and lean into campus and community resources when we really need professional help.
Have a great fall!
Cover photo by Rafael Garcin on Unsplash