Almost 17 years ago, I was walking down the hill in front of Calvin Hall, numb with grief and trying to wrap my head around the death of a loved one. People streamed past and I saw them talking, laughing, blithely unaware that a light among us was gone. I felt sad, lonely, and invisible.

I was deep in those isolating thoughts when an acquaintance greeted me in passing. I felt my face reflexively smile as I returned their greeting. As if watching a play, I wondered at the incongruity—I felt crushing, devastating sadness, and my face responded with immediate and genuine gratitude to the kindness of another. How many of the other faces walking past, which I assumed to be content and carefree, were doing the same? Just as my grieving heart was invisible to them, so were the burdens they carried invisible to me. It was at once simple, obvious, and revelatory—a mindset shift from feeling set apart to being a part. 

I was reminded of that experience years later when I first read about self-compassion. Compassion involves recognizing and turning toward another’s pain, seeking to decrease their suffering by extending them kindness and care. Self-compassion is compassion turned inward. Self-compassion researcher Kristin Neff identifies its three components as self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. 

• Self-kindness involves caring for and actively soothing oneself. In the face of mistakes, we extend warmth and sympathy rather than self-criticism.
• Common humanity acknowledges the interconnectedness of our experiences. We all make mistakes and experience suffering. In recognizing these as shared human experiences, we shift from self-pity to belongingness.
• Mindfulness is being aware of the present moment without judgment. We notice and identify our thoughts and emotions. We obtain perspective and avoid being over-identified or self-absorbed.

Psychologist Christopher Germer notes the role of acceptance in this process—accepting ourselves, our pain, and our reactions to that pain. It sounds simple, right? Yes and no.

How often have you experienced feelings of inadequacy and sat with them, offering yourself kindness rather than being self-critical or grasping for whatever soothes those feelings of falling short? Perhaps the most difficult part of practicing self-compassion is holding acceptance rather than resistance—being present with emotional discomfort rather than avoiding, resisting, or trying to change it. So often we engage in action that is future directed (e.g., “I never want to feel this way again”). Self-compassion exists in the present. It doesn’t seek to eliminate pain, but to acknowledge and soothe us in the face of it. 

The research on self-compassion and its impact on well-being is compelling, yet few things I propose in the therapy space are met with equal skepticism. Many people have tied their achievements to their tendency to be “hard” on themselves, and their worth to their achievements. They fear losing motivation or underperforming if they extend themselves kindness. If you’ve had a similar thought, I encourage you to imagine yourself cheering on a friend as they near the end of a race. There are two choices. As they round the track’s last curve and head into the final straightaway:

• You scream to them that their feet are lead, everyone else is faster, and they’ll never cross that finish line. Nearing the end, they trip and fall. You hurry to their side to scold them for being clumsy. 
• You yell to them to keep pushing, dig deep, they’re almost there! Nearing the end, they trip and fall. You run to their side and offer comfort. 

How do you treat your friend? Does your answer change if you are the runner, and the voice is your own? 

Self-compassion allows us to evaluate our performance clearly. It does not prioritize present-moment comfort over long-term goals, and it recognizes struggle and failure as universal experiences. If you hold your worth separate from your performance, then your sense of self is not dismantled when you evaluate your work and find room for growth. Self-compassion is also associated with increased self-efficacy, resilience, and motivation to take personal responsibility for your actions. Best of all, self-compassion can be learned. 

Below are some bite-size tips that I have found helpful:

• Notice your inner voice. Reframe harsh criticism with words you would extend to a loved one. It might feel unnatural or even hollow, but the grass you water grows—continue to speak to yourself with kindness.
• Find phrases that embody the stance you would like to hold and repeat them to yourself when faced with challenge. For example, “Mistakes help me learn and grow,” “To suffer is human,” “I am good enough,” “Thoughts are not facts.” (If you struggle to find ones that resonate for you, download Snoop Dogg’s Affirmation Song and listen on repeat.)
• Use supportive touch when in need of soothing. Gently place a hand over your heart or wrap your arms around yourself in a hug. Slowly inhale and exhale. 
• Connect to our common humanity with a loving kindness meditation.
  • www.self-compassion.org has several self-compassion exercises and guided practices.

Here is a reading list that might be of interest:

Germer, C. K. (2009). The mindful path to self-compassion: Freeing yourself from destructive thoughts and emotions. New York: Guilford Press.

Germer, C. K. & Neff, K. D. (2019). Teaching the mindful self-compassion program: A guide for professionals. New York: Guildford Press. 

Neff, K. D. (2011). Self-Compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself. New York: William Morrow.

Neff, K. D. (2023). Self-compassion: Theory, Method, Research, and Intervention. Annual Review of Psychology, 74: 193-217.

Cover image by Sydney Rae.